On Disciplining Children

November 7, 2012

I’ve learned so much from reading about other families’ experiences with raising children, so I try to take time to share when I can to share with those who might benefit. I am on a great local facebook group of parents (mostly moms) where there is a pretty civil tone and at the same time a really diverse array of parenting approaches. Someone asked tonight, “How do you discipline your kids? It is a little early, (my daughter is only one) but I was just thinking about different opinions regarding spanking, time outs and the like. What works for you?” There were a lot of traditional responses about time-outs, spanking, and natural consequences. This is (mostly with a few edits) how I responded and I thought I would share:

We don’t discipline at all and it has worked very well for our family. For us, this means no time-outs, no punishments, no raised voices, minimal coercion, no hitting or spanking, and limited positive reinforcement. I certainly think that there are many loving, caring ways to raise healthy and well-adjusted children, but we take the view that we treat him how we would like him to treat others. We don’t want him to learn that the way you get other people to do what you want is to punish them, coerce them, or hurt them. We want him to learn that you talk to them, kindly, and explain. You are patient. You reason with them and show by example. You compromise. And, ultimately, you have to honor the decisions that other people make – you shouldn’t force them or manipulate them. Our three-year old seems pretty well-adjusted and we often get compliments on how well he gets along with other children. Not to brag, but just to point out that there haven’t been any dramatic “wild child” consequences (as had been predicted by some family members when word of our approach got out).

I did not post this on facebook, but I would add that I think this approach is harder in the short-term. We certainly could do with more cooperation, less negotiation, and, generally, things just going more the way we want them to more often and more quickly. But, I really believe that our children learn how to be in the world by the way that they see their parents treat them and others. As our son cognitively develops, I think he understands why we do and don’t do certain things. Why we help each other, why we are kind to each other and that these are his own insights rather than just doing things because he knows that he should or that there are consequences. Giving him that space and time to come to conclusions on his own – and different from the ones we wish for – has been both hard, but extremely rewarding because when he does come to things on his own rather than as a result of pressure or threats, it is really a pretty amazing thing to witness.  For us, it is both about the process and the result. I get that children can “turn out well” if you parent in a different way. But, our child is a full person now. So, for me, it is not just about treating him this way because we want him to turn out well (although that is of course part of it) but because we really do believe that we should treat people how they want to be treated, even when they are a child.

I have learned a lot from years of reading Mothering Magazine (so sad that it isn’t published in hard copy any more), from reading blogs of parents who unschool and use non-violent communication, from mothering.com message boards, from listserves, from facebook groups, from books, and from kind families that are willing to openly share their struggles, successes and changes. We are always learning and changing. I’ve had to learn how to be more gentle with myself and with others. Thus, I put this out there not as a way to judge, but to say what has worked well and made our family life rich, rewarding, and in many ways quite peaceful. It is so nice that there are few battles and that I have given up being responsible for making my son be how he “should,” instead trusting him to learn and grow at a pace that make sense for him. Thus far, understanding and change comes. Not always right when I want it, but in his own time as he grows into who he is as a small person. It isn’t easy, but it really has been just about the highlight of my life, I think. I feel so peaceful and at ease about our parenting approach. And there is hardly anything in my life that I feel peaceful and at ease about, so it has been a huge gift.

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Teaching Religion to Toddlers

March 20, 2012

After carefully picking an age-appropriate book about Jesus (Easter story! – not just the cutie-pie Christmas story which was way easier) and adjusting the book’s version of the story to make sure the history and theology are right, my three year old sweetie looks at me sincerely at the end of the book and says, “So there are not going to be monkeys in our house?” “Um, no, sweetie, no monkeys.” Sigh. Will try with this one again in a bit. I guess resurrection is just a bit much for him right now. #theologyfail


Communion with the Little One

May 10, 2010

So, I was never really one of those moms who was like, “And, the second I saw him and held him in my arms, everything changed. My whole life was different and new and I would do anything for my baby.” This is not to say that I did not love my little cuddle bug A LOT when he was born. I did. I was thrilled to have him and I still am. But, for me, I was pretty much the same person before he was born as after he was born, except with an adorable baby and sleeping much less.

I am also not a mom that is totally awed by all the amazingly wonderful and brilliant things my baby does. Yes, he is really quite cute. And seems to be a bright little bee. But I am pretty low key about him and his magic. I think in a pretty good and healthy way.

I say all of this for two reasons. First, because sometimes I feel like maybe a sucky mom because I don’t run around saying how wonderful life has been since he has been born and how it has changed everything and the sun rises and sets differently and all. I think there is this cult of motherhood that tells women that you have to just love your child and have him or her change your world and it will be immediate and like magic. I think this sets people up to feel pretty terrible when they are in month number six (or in my case, 14) of not sleeping through the night and all of a sudden your house is chaos all the time and you only see your partner in passing while one of you is changing a diaper and the other is… oh, I don’t know… studying for her general exams in October. Anyway, so on Mother’s Day when everyone is crooning about how magic mothers are and how much they love mothers and flowers and roses and all of that, I guess for whatever reason I felt inspired to bring it down a notch for all those moms out there who sometimes wonder if they are doing it right even though the fireworks of love and peace and perfect joy didn’t/don’t go off like they “should.”

The second reason I wrote about all of this is so that the next thing I am about to say about my little toddler boy doesn’t sound like the ultimately cheeziness. That is, it isn’t my style to go around crooning about the boy, so when I say something like how he taught me a really profound lesson, it doesn’t get lumped into the pile of 101 profound and beautiful things my baby did THIS MORNING.

Geez. I did too much lead up to this. I do this in my papers too. I go on and on in the intro setting everything up and then I have two and half sentences of substance to say.

Anyway, our boy loves to drink out of glasses. Sippy cups are okay, but he really prefers to drink either water or apple juice out of the big glasses that are obviously too big for a one year old. But we’re pretty flexible, so we do it even though it often means that when he is done he pulls the glass away pretty fast and the juice or water gets on him or us.

And he has taken to insisting on sharing his drinks, and then tonight, his strawberries. He is insistent – he takes a drink, and then puts the cup to mine or my partner’s mouth in a very insistent way and we take a drink and then he takes another drink. He mushes the strawberries up between his fingers and sort of shoves one in into my mouth, with such a pleased look on his face, and then squishes one up and puts it in his mouth. And somehow this led me to “get” communion in a way I never have before. Regular readers of this blog know I have a highly ambivalent relationship with Christianity and can never decide really if I am Christian or not. And for some reason I have always loved communion – there was something that was so special about it – like this thread that went back throughout my life and childhood and then back throughout time. It felt like a very connecting sort of ritual. Like I was part of something really special. Yet, for the last few years, I never take part because I just feel like I can’t do it until I know more where I stand. This has been sad for me.

Yet, somehow through sharing my apple juice and strawberries with my boy – I got something. This idea of table fellowship. Communion not as some ritual that we do in church – that marks us as in or out – but as joyful sharing of nourishment, in communion with each other. It is an intimate thing to feed and give a drink to someone else. This is why the bread and wine is not sat out on a table for each person to go up and get themselves, but we give it to each other.

I think with a lot of things, the meaning of a moment can’t quite come through so well in words. The sweet smell of my little boy and his juice. His pre-linguistic self knowing that there is something important about me taking a drink and then him and then me and then him. The clear joy and satisfaction he gets from making sure that we are sharing – that we are a team, that in many ways we are one.

It helped me better understand why I am so drawn to communion and miss it so much. Yes, yes, I know there is that whole bread/body, wine/blood thing. But that is for another post. For now, I will commune with my little one, and appreciate what he has to teach me about life and love and faith.