When Things Can Only Be Carried

April 9, 2019

Preached April 7, 2019
at First Christian Church, Bowling Green
Text: Gospel of Mark Chapter 14:3-9

I think often we read biblical stories with a somewhat numb mind. Many of us have heard them before. Often scriptures are often read out of context, we aren’t exactly sure what is going on in the broader scheme of the story. For those who have been going to church for a long time, maybe even since you were little, it can be hard to enter into the beauty and the holiness of the stories in the midst of our hectic lives.

Sometimes it is like if you eat a whole box of chocolates – or maybe around this time of year, a whole bag of king size Cadbury chocolate eggs. By the 15th chocolate egg you aren’t exactly savoring each and every bite.

This is not a criticism of us – this is part of life. If you don’t get to see your kids very often, you can appreciate all their sweet little idiosyncrasies – but by day nine of spring break when you’ve been spending every minute together, somehow you can’t quite treasure their little laugh or cute little pile of legos in the floor as much as you might otherwise have.

So as we join together on the last Sunday before Holy week, as we near the end of Lent, I want to invite us to slow down and really take in the amazing beauty and power of this week’s scripture.

It is two days before Passover. Jesus is in Bethany visiting followers and friends at the house of Simon the Leper. Bethany is about a mile outside of Jerusalem. At this time in Mark, Jesus has already entered Jerusalem on the back of a donkey, palm leaves spread before him. We know that sisters Mary and Martha and Jesus’s friend Lazarus also all live in Bethany. We can imagine the times are tense. Jesus and his followers know that Jesus’s message has spread far and wide.

Those who hold power are worried. They are trying to think of a way to arrest Jesus, to quiet him, to silence his message and to discourage his followers who are questioning the long-held power structures and rules of the authorities and they are envisioning that there might be a different way to live.

The son of God hangs out at the house of a leper.

Women have roles of leadership that they have never been allowed in other faiths and movements of the time.

The last are first. The poor are blessed.

The savior of the world doesn’t enter triumphantly into Jerusalem with weapons or pomp and circumstance, but humbly and beautifully on the back of a common donkey.

Things are different and people can tell.

Everyone is tense.

The time is coming. They know what is to come.

Sometimes there are no words.

A woman came with an alabaster jar of very costly ointment of nard.

Jesus is sitting at the table. We can imagine everyone talks in hushed voices, in the way we do when we sit and wait for death that we know is coming.

Have you ever held vigil for one you love? Have you ever known something will come and you know it must but you don’t want it to and you don’t know what to do?

They sat in Simon’s house around the table perhaps with little to say as they wondered what would happen and how. We have heard the story before, but they did not know how the story would play out exactly.

The woman broke open the jar and poured the ointment on his head.

We can imagine it drizzling down slowly on his hair. She gently rubs his hair, moves her fingers over his temple slowly so the oil doesn’t get in his eyes. The fragrance fills the room.

Sometimes there are no words for the grief, and the fear, and the difficulties we face.

The people around get upset. What in the world are you doing? Wasting so much?! They chastise her. You can imagine everyone is stressed and perhaps a little on edge. People don’t know how to react to someone just walking up and putting oil on Jesus’s head. Maybe he isn’t going to like this. We could have sold that and given the money to the poor they snap.

When we are hurting or scared, we often lash out at those around us. When we are aren’t sure what will happen or what to do, we often aren’t our best selves.

Have you ever lashed out in your pain?

How often are we hurt by those who are in pain who don’t know what to do?

It was no different around this table many years ago in Bethany.

But Jesus speaks up. Let her alone; why do you trouble her? She has performed a good service for me, he says.

He knows what she has done. She has anointed him with oil, an act of hospitality, a gesture of affection, and ceremonially preparing him for the burial which is to come. It is a silent acknowledgment of what is to come, an acknowledgement that a serious situation sometimes requires more than we can afford to give, an act of love, a holy act.

She has done what she could, Jesus says. She has done what she could.

In a time when we are to slow down, and contemplate what is to come, this story of anointing reminds us of the ways that the church and the church’s people can break down barriers and build bridges, particularly in moments when people are scared, when people are hurting, when they are longing for comfort and care and answers and safety. When they either don’t know quite what is to come or perhaps they do know what comes and it feels unbearable.

There are so many ways that we love people and are there for people without words. When words aren’t really enough. Megan Divine who writes about grief in her book It’s OK that You’re Not OK says that there are some things that cannot be fixed, they can only be carried. They will be with us always, but we can learn to journey with them, and over time, we can learn to journey with them with some measure of peace, or even with a little joy eventually.

As we think about barriers and bridges and how we love and how we welcome as the hands and feet of Christ, this week we might especially attend to the non-traditional ways that we do this – not just with our words, but with our actions, with our holy rituals, for Christianity is a deeply embodied faith. In what ways do we and can we respond to others when they are hurting and unsure, that follows the lead of the woman with the alabaster jar who offered hospitality, gentleness, care, and preparation?

One way that we do this is through the open table. Each week, we feed each other. An intimate act. Everyone is welcome, everyone can serve, everyone can eat. We can say we are as welcoming as we want, but we also show this by a table that doesn’t just say, “Well, perhaps you can join us if you believe this,” or maybe in the future you might believe what we want you to believe or do… No. It is a no questions asked act of love and welcome and nourishment.

We also break down barriers sometime by simply bearing witness, gently and quietly.

The last time I preached here was June 24, 2018. I remember the date perfectly because it was also the day that the child I was pregnant with died. We knew the pregnancy was struggling and Megan offered to cover for me, but I told her I could do it. I preached, in somewhat of a daze, knowing what was to come in the days or weeks ahead, but not sure how or when and perhaps still hoping that there would be a miracle I knew was not really possible.

After church I went home and by that afternoon I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I spent my last hours with my baby to-be here on this altar.

I really thought I would die of a broken heart, our sweet little boy was wanted so very much.

I didn’t want to speak to anyone or go anywhere. I didn’t know what to make of it, really.

Perhaps many of us here have faced a loss that hurt so much that our words failed us. That we didn’t know what to do.

That we were speechless. That it felt as if there was a hole in our heart or a brick in our stomach.

Megan brought over tea and an orchid and left it on my porch, honoring my need to be alone.

I drank the tea, lying in bed, with my red nose and empty heart, wondering how I could go back into the world, but thankful to have the comfort of something warm from people who cared.

I haven’t been to church as much as I was before that day. I haven’t known exactly why, I’ve felt guilty, unsure of what to say to people about my absence. About our baby. In my life, there will always be the before and the after that day.

And yet, I have been so welcomed because no one has pressured me to be here before I was ready. I am warmly hugged and greeted when I can come. Whenever you’re ready, we’re here, Megan has told me as I’ve worried about reentering life after my loss.

Building bridges sometimes means waiting, it sometimes means silent acts of vigil and love, knowing that there are not words adequate to heal the pain that people face. Sometimes we bring them tea, or flowers, or a homemade blanket, a dish of food, or knitted scarf or an alabaster jar.

Sometimes breaking down barriers means we do things that seem out of the ordinary. She has done what she could, Jesus said of the woman with the alabaster jar.

I have spent the year reading about grief. Reading about the way we try to fix it when people are sad, doing our best to console them, but often putting our foot in our mouth, struggling with the right words because we live in a culture that often wants us to sanitize the struggles we face, to heal faster, to cheer up, whispering only to those closest to us, often not naming the miscarriage, the affair, the addiction, the depression, the loneliness that so many carry with them.

And, to be honest, churches don’t have the best track record of holding these pains well. There are too many stories of shaming, of leaving out, of rejecting, of glossing over, of gossiping, of judging, and of mistaking ourselves as God.

So this morning as we think about the barriers we might put up – around our church or around ourselves – and the bridges we might build – among each other and with those around us – we can remember the woman with the alabaster jar.

She knew that should could not fix things.

She did not offer cheerful platitudes that everything would be okay or reassure everyone that it would be all turn out well. Because she did not know and because, in many ways, it would not be okay. It was not okay when Jesus was taken away from his people and tortured and killed, when Jesus cried out “My God my God why have you forsaken me.” It was not even okay after the empty tomb and resurrection because… well, look around us. Even in the midst of the risen Christ, our world still struggles and God still weeps for all of our sweet souls who go on hurting each other and being so hard on ourselves.

The woman with the alabaster jar simply did what she could – she gave what she had – in fact gave lavishly in an act of hospitality, of affection, and consecration of Jesus’s body and his path, honoring his death which was to come.

And he said, truly I tell you, wherever the good news is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be told in remembrance of her.

Kate Bowler teaches at Duke Divinity School and her area of focus is in the study of the prosperity gospel, Joel Olsteen, the idea that fortune as a blessing from God and misfortune is a mark of God’s disapproval. At thirty-five, everything in Kate’s life seemed to point toward blessing. She was thriving at her job, married to her high school sweetheart, and has a newborn son. Then she is diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.

The prospect of her own mortality forced her to realize that she has been inadvertently subscribing to the prosperity gospel, the idea that if we do the right things, things will be okay. Even as this type of Christianity celebrates the American can-do spirit, there is also the darker side of that… that if you “can’t do” and succumb to illness or misfortune, you may just have done something wrong. What does it mean to die, at 35 she wondered, in a society that insists everything happens for a reason? In her book Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved she asks what happens when we let go of platitudes about death and loss and and don’t immediately put all bad things under the category of “God’s plan,” and live into the mystery of an existence where we don’t explain our struggles and hurt away and instead sit with each other as we acknowledge the ways that beauty and struggle are woven up together in a mystery that is sometimes beyond our comprehension, and bear witness to this among each other.

And he said, truly I tell you, wherever the good news is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be told in remembrance of her. And with Jesus reminding us that when we proclaim the good news, we also must tell the story of those who bear witness in times when words are not enough. When we proclaim the good news, we must also remember the importance of unexpected acts of care, of preparation, of quiet affection and hospitality that punctuate the ebb and flow of grief that our people face day in and day out.

Sometimes breaking down barriers and building bridges is slow, quiet work among aching or grieving people whose pain it is hard to know.

We remember today that we do not have to fix things or have the right answers. We can feed each other at the table, we can wait patiently on each other, sit quietly with sweet gifts of tea and orchids and handmade quilts and home-cooked meals, being present. Anointing in our own ways with our own oil.

In memory of her.

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Staying with the Pain

September 6, 2016

My entire life has been about trying to make things okay. I planned to go to Harvard when I was eight, thinking that if I did the best thing, the hardest thing, I would be good enough and things would be better. I used to go through J.C. Penny catalogs and plan all the furniture and things I would need for my house some day… my house that would be organized, peaceful, and planned out. I made wedding plans starting around age 10… planning a life that would be built on love, and support, and full of beauty.

My entire life has been about trying to bring about stability, predictability, safety, and peace and I have tried to get there through hard work, determination, and doing all. the. right. things.

I am almost thirty-seven and all the right things have not saved me.

I did the right things professionally, I did all the right things as a parent, and as a partner. I read ALL THE BOOKS. And, at each turn, I have been shocked that things were not easier, more peaceful, and that I was not getting the stable, loving, happy life that I had planned for since I was a small girl.

I have read what I am going to write here a thousand times, and it is interesting how we can know something in our heads for so long and yet it has so very little to do with what goes on in our bodies and souls and at our core.

The pain, in so many ways, comes in trying to escape the pain. It comes from hoping that if we do the right things, and try hard enough, then it will be okay.

As Pema Chodron wisely tells us, “We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

We try to escape the pain. Some of us through perfectionism, though unhealthy relationships, through drinking, food and buying things. But the reality is that there is no way out. And the question is then how do we live in that reality, where we must stop longing for the pain to recede, for the peace to come, for things to be as they should be?

I still have no answers, but a reminder to myself and to my few readers out there who might stumble across this, that our life will always be in the mess and there will always be pain. The question is not how to make it better, how to make it go away, or how to fix things (or fix ourselves) but rather how to live well in the midst of this.

I am reminded of what it means to get sober. One must wake up every damn morning and want to be sober. Be willing to go into life, into the struggles, and face it. To work at it. And then get up the next day and do it all over again. As Glennon Doyle Melton says, “Do the next right thing, one thing at a time.” We are not called to save the world or ourselves. Rather, to be present to the full reality of this life, here and now, loving and doing good where we can, and knowing also that we are finite, limited, and cannot do it all.


I just ordered this.

July 17, 2008

Oh, Jordan, Angela, Rayanne, and Ricki, If only you had lasted more than 19 episodes. But with each sweet episode, all of us other 14-year-olds ached with you. You are not forgotten. Amen.

On another note, this website also sold a shirt with the phrase, “If you got a problem, Yo, I’ll solve it.” I wanted to order that but $22 is A LOT for a t-shirt and of course Jordan took precedence. I was just entertaining my family the other day by downloading 90s songs from itunes and singing along every word, along with some very 90s dance moves. Oh, yes, I know every single word to Ice Ice Baby, Baby Got Back, Nuthin But A ‘G’ Thang, Funky Cold Medina and so on. A few beats and I am back at the skating rink. Oh, those were the days.


Times They Are a’ Changin’

August 14, 2007

So I am doing some research about how foundations can set up a system where letters of inquiries, proposals, and such can be submitted online. In my search I turned up this great article from 1997 – only 10 years ago. It is titled: “Why the W.M. Keck Foundation Went Online.” It is a whole article about the cutting edge decision of this foundation to – yes, that’s right – develop a web page. The question at the heart of the article is: What motivates a Foundation to venture out onto the Internet?” and we are told that “her candid responses offer a rare, behind-the-scenes glimpse of how this respected foundation established itself on the World Wide Web.” This was only ten years ago. Could you imagine having such a conversation today?

In a week when I had a computer crash and our internet stopped working at the same time, and I am highly annoyed that  my adobe acrobat isn’t working and that Mcafee won’t install correctly, it is amazing to see how much technology is a part of our lives (and how #*%@(#& difficult it is to fix stupid little things on a measly little computer) and how fast it has happened. I know. Not some sort of rare revelation, but I found the article amusing and food for thought.

I can’t believe how disruptive it is when my computer isn’t working well and web pages load too slowly (for some unexplained reason).

I need to go to the beach.


Special Love Your Life Issue

April 12, 2007

This shouldn’t be funny. But it is in a weird sort of way. Somehow I get Ladies Home Journal (that’s not the funny thing).  I don’t pay for it, it just started showing up one day. Of course LHJ isn’t quite my style, so I just throw them in the “Goodwill” bag and I donate them. I can’t stand to throw away a magazine someone else might read.  But anyway.  The funny thing is that  the May 2007 issue which just arrived today has at the top “Special Love Your Life Issue”.  Yet.  Yet, some of the other headlines on the front cover include “The Best Low-Fat Ice Creams,” “The Most Important Insurance You Don’t Have,” “Sensational Summer Skin: The Safe, Natural Way,” “Win a Free Stress Makeover” and “Deadly Superbugs: How to Spot and Stop Them.”  I guess love your life except for fatty foods (because, really, you know you are too big)… love your life except in that you don’t have the right sort of insurance… love your life except that you could easily be killed by a deadly superbug and your skin isn’t good enough AND you need a “stress makeover” whatever the hell that is.   Thank you LHJ.


Make Maps of Where You Have Been

February 28, 2007

A great way to avoid doing more pressing work.


Austria – Germany – Luxembourg – Austria – Ireland – Spain – Greece – Belgium – Liechtenstein – Italy – Netherlands – Belgium – Switzerland – Vatican City – Czech Republic

I only included states that I could actually remember being in. I think I have been through Georgia and Maryland, but I figure if I can’t remember when, it doesn’t count.

We have a world map in our office with little pins in it where we have been so I thought this was fun. W. of course beats me having been to China, Taiwan, etc. I didn’t count countries where I only landed in the airport. I wish it showed boarders and names of the country on the map. You can do it here http://www.world66.com/myworld66

I wanted to add Nicaragua and Costa Rica, but they didn’t have a Latin American map.

Gosh, I feel like I would be such a good professional traveler.


It’s gonna get up to 48 degrees on Saturday!

February 28, 2007

This makes me so happy.  It is 41 now and it feels so nice out. Well, at least nicer. I still have a hard time saying “nice” and “48 degrees” in one sentence. When we first moved to Boston, I would have been ready to start putting my winter clothes away – March is almost here, right? Spring should be here soon!

But I have learned to appreciate the non-miserable weather, love the sun, but not get my hopes up. Because it can always blizzard in May here. Like it did our second year leaving here.

But guess how hot it will be in Nicaragua March 22-31 when I am there? Hot! Whoo-hoo! When I lived there, it took me several weeks to get used to sweating all the time. Like dripping, wet, yucky sweating. That is just how it is.  All the time, pretty much.  But I did get used to it and I would always prefer that to coldness.

Just my thoughts on the weather today.  Because I know you wanted to know.

And I will be blogging live from Nicaragua while I am there.  I’m so looking forward to it! I just hope my friends and family aren’t completely shocked when they realize I have forgotten Spanish.  Aye! I need to find a tutor fast.